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Dori Answers Sex Questions

On this page are the answers to numerous questions I have received from myAsk Doricolumn. Hopefully, these answers will be helpful to you, and give you the tools you need to have an amazing love life!

Dori,
   Long story short, I am a 52 year old man who didn't marry until two years ago. Reasons include: social anxiety, introverted personality, sexual anorexia, and finally sex addiction. Despite my very best efforts, I still struggle with porn, although only 1-2 times/month. Sex life couldn't be better... Thank God for that! My questions for you are:

1. HOW DO I OVERCOME SUCH DEEPLY EMBEDDED FEELINGS OF ENTITLEMENT (to porn)?

2. I HAVE A "e;BIG BOOB"e; FETISH AND NATURALLY AM MARRIED TO A FLAT-CHESTED WOMAN. WHAT SHOULD I DO IN CASE LIKE THIS???

Dear Reader,

   Unfortunately, this is a very common problem. If you are looking for a "e;quick fix"e; that will cure your addiction to porn overnight, there isn't one. I would suggest that you get into a sex-addicts anonymous program if you haven't already, and if that doesn't work, try some individual counseling. Everybody has a unique sex-drive, so this step can be critical in some cases.

To your second question, first of all, keep that to yourself. It can be more damaging than you know to a woman's self esteem to learn that her natural assets, (which she has no real control over) fail to live up to the standards of the man that she loves. ALWAYS keep that in mind when you approach this issue.

And again, you'll want to get some sort of counseling on this. It is likely that once you overcome your addiction to porn, the big boob fetish won't be as important to you.

Good Luck!

Dori


Dori,

   My boyfriend is uncircumcised. this is a first for me. Sex with him is amazing and I am not disgusted or scared, but i very much want to pleasure him orally and I'm not sure on how to go about it. I know I need to talk to him to understand what he personally needs and enjoys, but I would like to have a little more insight before I bring this up. I know I need to pull the foreskin back but I'm not sure what else i need to do. Please help!

Dear Reader,

   I get this question all the time! There really isn't anything special that you should be doing with the uncircumcised penis; its the exact same organ, just with the obvious extra piece of skin. Remember that this is the natural state of the penis, and that circumcision is the unnatural procedure. Therefore, all of the stimulatory function that you are used to is still there.

Just make sure that he cleans it thoroughly beforehand; an unclean circumcised penis is not very pleasant tasting and can be dangerous if it gets bad enough I hope that helps!

Dori


Dori,

   Hi, after I have sex with this guy, his penis gets really sensitive, what is causing that?

Dear Concerned,

   Thank you so much for the question. First of all, I just want to make sure you understand that this is a completely normal occurrence. This happens to most guys just after intercourse. In fact, it happens to most women too, it's just not as immediate.

Sex therapists refer to this stage as the refractory period, and it occurs just after orgasm. Its cause is a rapid hormonal shift that blocks the primary chemicals responsible for sexual arousal, and can last anywhere from minutes to days, depending on age and the individual subject.

The increased sensitivity that you speak of has more to do with the previous state of sexual arousal, and the increased blood flow and nerve activity associated with intercourse. These things lag behind the aforementioned hormone fluxes and create the phenomenon that you're concerned about.

As previously mentioned, this refractory period affects women as well, just not as quickly. This is one reason why being a woman is so wonderful, because it allows us to have multiple orgasms! Some men can as well, but its incredibly rare. I hope that helps!

Dori


Dori,

   I have always felt good about myself. Men find me attractive. But I married a man that likes porn and looking at other women... I'm deeply hurt by this. He tells me I'm beautiful and I know that he loves me, but . . . I'm old fashioned maybe? Never used toys in past relationships or porn, was never brought up by my man . . . And I don’t fantasize. I feel that if one is deeply in love, why would one want to fantasize? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe I have lived a sheltered life . . . Can you help me understand? I do get turned on by watching two women in porn, but I do not desire it. My husband never asks to watch it but I know that he likes to, so I do with him. But I'm always wondering if he's making love to me or someone else because of this. So in return I'm feeling not so good about me any more . . . I like to please him and he likes to please me, so what is it that I'm feeling??

Dear Feeling Left Out,

   Let me first start by saying, there is nothing unhealthy or abnormal with using adult toys for pleasure or watching porn, in and of itself. When watching legal adult movies, as long as those watching are consenting adults, there is nothing inherently wrong. However, this does not mean it cannot become unhealthy. Like with anything else -- food, alcohol, sports, money -- people can become obsessive or use it in unhealthy ways.

If one is in a healthy, sexual relationship, no one would consistently choose to watch porn instead of being intimate with a willing and interested partner. With that said and from your description, it sounds like, you do have a husband that cares for you and is eager to please you. Therefore, you need to communicate -- honestly and without judgment -- your feelings about porn and porn watching. Can you ask him what it is about porn that he likes? Is it a means of escape? Is it done out of habit or boredom? Are there things that he sees that he would like to try? Does he know about your discomfort with porn?

If it's about venturing out there and trying something new, why not introduce some DVDs that are geared towards building intimacy between couples. PMN offers a number ofDVDsthat offer different sexual positions to try out or way to add some spice into the bedroom.

To address your concerns about sexual fantasies, there is nothing wrong with sexual fantasies, just like there is nothing “wrong” or “abnormal” about you getting aroused about watching two women in a movie. Sexual fantasies are the most common form of sexual expression. Surveys show that 100% of men and women engage in sexual fantasy. Research also points to that a healthy sexual fantasy life go hand in hand with an overall healthy sex life. Bad sex only occurs if you think it's bad. Anything else could be a good thing. However, if you truly feel that sexual fantasies are getting in the way with sex with your husband -- please clue him in!

Above all else, communicate, communicate, communicate.

More often than not, our feelings (whether rational or not), get in the way of reality. Your husband's love and sexual attractiveness to you can be genuine but if you allow yourself to constantly doubt him, you are short changing yourself from experiencing something real. More importantly, don't over think things. You can wonder and come up with all the “What if….?” scenarios . . . but why not just communicate with your husband.

Best of luck!

Dori


Dear Dori,

   Where is the g spot located?

Dear G-Spot Explorer,

   You would think that this is a relatively simple question . . . but it isn't.

First off, there are ongoing debates on the physical structures of the internal genitalia. Unlike our circulatory or nervous system, our understanding of the human sexual anatomy and its response system is still lacking. However, this does not mean it does not exist! It merely means that the g-spot has not been legitimized yet by the medical establishment.

But let me direct you to the area that has received the most amount of general consensus among women. Keep in mind though, the g-spot is not some magical area that causes instant sexual gratification. Just like any other part of the body, some may find it arousing, some might not.

When she is laying on her back or stomach or even squatting, place the hand (palm face down) on the vulva and slowly insert the finger, crooking it forward in a “come hither”-esque motion. At about the second knuckle, you should feel a slightly bumpy or ridged area on along the vaginal wall. Some women find gentle pressure or vibration pleasurable.

It may be awkward to manually stimulate the area which is why I recommend using g-spot vibrators that come with that natural curvature. PMN offers a variety ofg-spot vibratorsdesigned specifically for this type of arousal.

And if at first you don't find this much sought after area or achieve an orgasm, practice patience and try again. More importantly, do what is most comfortable and pleasurable for your partner.

Happy sex-ploration!

Dori


Dear Dori,

   I am having sex with my boyfriend for the third time now and the problem is he is very large and long. Normally you wouldn't think a woman would be complaining about this but it hurts and feels like he's tearing me. I am not a virgin and have had many partners with average sizes. I have tried lubrication and it does help but it just feels like he is too big for my vagina. I have spoken to him about this and he does other things to satisfy me, so I would like to know is their a such thing as a man being to big or is my vagina to small?

Dear Reader,

   Thank you for your question. I'm glad to hear that both of you are communicating and he is willing to take extra measures to please you. Both of you are normal in your sizes and what is most important is how both you can work to accommodate each other. With that said, you were born with only so much room and if pushes his way in, he can really hurt you.

Before penetration, ask yourself whether you are aroused enough. Female sexual arousal causes the vagina to respond in ways that will accommodate a larger penis. Responses will include extra vaginal lubrication in addition to causing the vagina to increase in size. You mentioned that you have had sex with previous partners of average sizes. In that case, comfortable penetration is possible even without full sexual arousal. With your current partner, you may need to wait until you are fully aroused -- both mentally and physically -- prior to penetration. Adding vibrators into the mix as foreplay is always a fun way to get things started.

Extra lubrication is always recommended. You two may want to experiment with other lubricants to see if a thicker or thinner lube is better for you.

Along with extra lubricant, one method that I can recommend is for you to keep your hand/s wrapped around the base of his penis so that he has a full sensation without him filling you up and hurting you. You may also want to try theNot Too Deep Donut Set. It will give him the sensation of full penetration without causing you excessive discomfort.

Most importantly, be true to yourself. No one will take care of you as good as you can.

Dori


Dear Dori,

   I'm 18 and a virgin, I have been dating my boyfriend for just about 3 years and he has never pressured me into doing anything when I told him I didn't think I was ready. Well I feel ready now and I don't want to be bad at sex, I have no experience and he does. I want to pleasure him, I just don't know how so I was wondering if there is any advice you have for me. I would really appreciate it.

Thanx.

Dear Reader,

   The first time should just be about romance. Enjoy each other as much as possible and start off your sexual relationship communicating about what you want or don't want. There are somegreat DVDson PleasureMeNow's website that you should check out to get you started. Maybe start with one aboutKama Sutrafor the two of you.

First and foremost, be true to yourself but don't be afraid to try new things. Just keep that communication open, be safe and have fun!

Dori


Dear Dori,

   Are there any products out there that can help me last longer in bed. I don't ejaculate early, but it's just that it takes longer for my wife to cum then me. I want to be able to make her go a couple times before I do. Also, are the products from this web site sent and packaged discretely.

Dear Reader,

   Thanks for your question. Check out theTen Ways to a Stronger Erection DVD.

You may also find the stop-start method helpful. To do this, begin with manual stimulation from your partner. She or he will stimulate your penis until you are close to reaching orgasm and then he/she will stop. This gives you the opportunity to pay attention to those sensations occurring just before ejaculation. Once the sensation diffuses, your partner will start again and re-stimulate your penis. Once you become comfortable with the method, proceed to applying this method to coitus. It is recommended that you start with your partner on top, then try it on your sides, then with you on top.

For the squeeze technique, lay on your back with your knees bent and have your partner sit up between your legs, facing you. He or she will stimulate you to erection and then he or she will apply a 3-4 second squeeze by holding the penis with his/her thumb on the ridge between the head and shaft with the first two fingers placed on either side of the ridge opposite the thumb. You won't want to ejaculate! Once the two of you get a hang of this technique, have him/her sit on top of you motionless and when you're close to ejaculation, lift him/her off and administer a squeeze before he/she returns to that position.

You may also want to give theProlonging Delay Creamor theNot Yet Delay Gel.

Rest assure your privacy will be maintained! All packages from PleasureMeNow.com are discretely packaged. The sender's name is "e;Festiva Products"e; and makes no mention of what is actually contained inside.

Good luck and don't forget to be safe too!

Dori


Dear Dori,

   I can only reach orgasm through sex or on my own. For some reason, I don't get anywhere when my girlfriend does anything. It does feel good. It just doesn't go anywhere. As she's not ready for sex yet, there doesn't seem to be anything that we can do, and this bothers her. How can we get things going without having to go all the way?

Dear Frustrated:,

   Has she ever helped you help yourself have an orgasm? She can have her mouth on you or her hand and you can help guide her to your orgasm. Explore things together and have her help with the things that you know work for you.

To the both of you, don't try to get too frustrated. You are still being intimate with each other and if you can keep from getting to that point, it's still a great way to connect with each other. I recommend checking out some of the Kama Sutra and Tantric sex methods. Explore, play and enjoy sharing your bodies each other.

  • Kama Sutra Ancient Art Of Lovemaking Book
  • Kama Sutra DVD
  • Tantric Sex Positions Book

    Leave the intercourse out but use these guides as ways to better explore each other.

    Dori


  • Dear Dori,

       My girlfriend and I have been having sex now for 3 months. Neither of us are greatly experienced at sex and we are both 19. However, she is the first girl I have not been able to make orgasm. She asked me to talk to her as we are intimate and I think I say some correct things but is there anywhere I can get more advice for talking my partner to orgasm? I orgasm every time we have sex and feel a huge barrier between us because of this. I feel inadequate. She seems to prefer penetration to clitoral stimulation but I sometimes think she is simply too worried to let go and enjoy it.

    Dear Reader,

       You're right in that she probably does worry too much about getting there. Talk to her about it and see what her thoughts are on that subject. You might want to help talk her through it just by saying things that take her mind off of getting to the final product, so to speak. It doesn't have to be dirty talk, just things like, "e;Relax, sweetheart, and stay in the moment. Focus on the physical feelings."e; Find ways to help her relax and stay in the moment.

    Don't waste the energy feeling inadequate. I know it's easy to go there, but it really does sound like this lies with her. As long as you stay open and communicate with her your ideas and feelings . . . Check out some Kama Sutra. It can help tremendously!

  • Kama Sutra DVD
  • Kama Sutra Ancient Art Of Lovemaking Book

    Communication, patience and communication can go a long way!

    Dori


  • Dear Dori,

       Women that I am with have a hard time or don't have an orgasm, maybe 1 out of 30 do. What am I doing wrong?

    Dear Reader,

       Take time to communicate with your partner and find out what feels good to her and how she has had orgasms before you. Let that talk get things going for you and see what happens.

    Good luck!

    Dori


    Hi Dori,

       After years of talk and promise, my husband and I had a threesome with another woman. I enjoyed it tremendously and am wondering if I am now considered a bi female? He has also taken me to a swingers club . . . but we just watched. The idea of indulging again in this sexy fun does excite me also. She used a glass dildo on me and WOW - it was all so great. I can't stop thinking about it . . . I know it's all lust, and don't want to screw up our marriage . . . but the truth is we sure are smiling a lot lately!

    Dear Reader,

       I think it's great to experiment and try new things and I think it's great that you and your husband had a great time. There's actually quite a bit of debate out there about whether or not you can be bi if you are turned on my having sex with another person of your same sex without any of the emotional aspects of a "e;real"e; relationship.

    I know quite a few people who have ventured where you have and would never be satisfied being in a relationship with a same-sex partner but absolutely love sex whether it's with a man or a woman. Keep the communication open with your husband and make sure that you ALWAYS put each other first. It is easy to let someone else into your emotional life if you are including them in your bedroom.

    Be safe, have fun and stay true to yourself!!

    Dori


    Dear Dori,

       I have tried this anal ese cream that broke me out in a rash and I think it's because I have sensitive skin. So what type of product should I use for anal lubrication made for my sensitive skin?

    Dear Reader,

       For anal lubrication, I actually recommend a silicone-based lube. This is a completely hypo-allergenic material, and it lasts much longer than any water-based lubricant. Probably the purest one isID Millennium.

    Just be sure to proceed slowly and carefully - the tissue lining the anal canal is very delicate, and not made to stretch the way vaginal tissue is.

    Dori


    Hey there Dori,

       My wife was sexually molested when she was a child. The abuse lasted 6 years. A majority of the encounters by her abuser was performing oral sex on her. Never any penetration. Fingers were always part of the abuse. I have been with her for 20 plus years. We have been married for most of the 20 years. We have a big blow out every year which results in a 2 day talk about sex. I love performing oral sex, but it has been very limited due to her abuse as a child. We enjoy a regular sexual intercourse without any issues.

    I am writing for advise. She states that her big issue is seeing my head between her legs. She still thinks of him at the same time I am pleasuring her. We have tried many options, with little success. I want her to orgasm orally and experience the pleasure as she does with intercourse. So, I am considering a glass dildo that I can use to assist her to orgasm.

    Please advise.

    Dear Reader,

       She should be in therapy to help her through some of those issues. Even though this was a long time ago, it's very fresh for her and I advise a lot of patience. If you are really concerned about her and her feelings, why would you push her on this at all? What a nightmare for her! The fact that she has tried to please you tells me how much she must love you.

    Have patience and seek the advice of a therapist. Maybe check out www.aasect.org to find a sex therapist in your area.

    Dori


    Dear Dori,

       I'm looking to meet women online for sex dating. But I have had no luck. I've joined numerous site for the last year or more. I found out most of them use sexy models to lure you to the site and then after you join . . . nothing happens. My question to you is, where can I find a legitimate sex dating site that's not a scam site????

    Thanks.

    Dear Michael,

       I've had a few friends that have had quite a bit of luck with the adult friend finder site. A number of the dating sites have a section just for those interested in finding sex partners. Wish I had more to share with you.

    Good luck and keep looking! Be safe!

    Dori


    Dear Dori,

       How do I get my wife to masturbate? She never did and won't try. I told her that I would love to watch her do it. It's hot.

    Dear Reader,

       It's difficult to get someone to do something he/she is not comfortable doing and just because you think it's hot doesn't mean that will provide any motivation for her. It might actually be making her feel even further alienated from the idea because she feels that you don't care about what is important to her. Just a thought.

    Have you talked about it with her? Do you know why she doesn't want to give it a try? A lot of women are turned off by the vaginal secretions. If it's something that she just doesn't want to touch, maybe try starting off with a toy. Vibrators and dildos can help out there!

    Patience and communication might help this situation out completely!

    Dori


    Dori,

       I am still young and in school. I am an older senior. Kind of shy . . . keep to myself. What ways would be best at seducing or making girls pay more attention to me? Thanks.

    Hey there D,

       Shy smiles can go a long way. Girls love those . . . a quick glance at a girl, followed by a smile and then glancing away. If she's at all interested, you'll know it just by her reaction to that. Keep in mind, though, that if you never make eye contact with a girl, she'll most likely never be interested. After the initial glance, if she's looked your way, a little more of the linger at the glance will let her know that you are interested.

    Give it a try and let me know how it goes!

    Dori


    Dear Dori,

       How do I keep from cumming sooner than I want to? How do I hold out for a longer time?

    Dear Reader,

       Thanks for your question. Check out theTen Ways to a Stronger Erection DVD.

    You may also find the stop-start method helpful. To do this, begin with manual stimulation from your partner. She or he will stimulate your penis until you are close to reaching orgasm and then he/she will stop. This gives you the opportunity to pay attention to those sensations occurring just before ejaculation. Once the sensation diffuses, your partner will start again and re-stimulate your penis. Once you become comfortable with the method, proceed to applying this method to coitus. It is recommended that you start with your partner on top, then try it on your sides, then with you on top.

    For the squeeze technique, lay on your back with your knees bent and have your partner sit up between your legs, facing you. He or she will stimulate you to erection and then he or she will apply a 3-4 second squeeze by holding the penis with his/her thumb on the ridge between the head and shaft with the first two fingers placed on either side of the ridge opposite the thumb. You won't want to ejaculate! Once the two of you get a hang of this technique, have him/her sit on top of you motionless and when you're close to ejaculation, lift him/her off and administer a squeeze before he/she returns to that position.

    You may also want to give theProlonging Delay Creamor theNot Yet Delay Gel.

    Good luck and don't forget to be safe too!

    Dori


    Dear Dori,

       My question is that I fall asleep sometimes before me and my boyfriend have sex. What can I do to stay awake? That is a major problem in my relationship

    Dear Sleepy,

       Why not try having sex when you first get home after work or at least before you are ready to go to sleep? Try having sex in the shower or on the sofa or on the kitchen counter or the hallway floor . . . any place but the bed as you are getting ready for sleep.

    Good luck!

    Dori


    Dear Dori,

       I am a sexually active young man with a problem. No matter how long I have sex, it seems that I can never ejaculate. When I masturbate, it is not a problem. But with a partner, it seems like I'm running a race and can never get to the finish line! Any advice or suggestions?! Thanks!

    Dear Reader,

       My first thought is that YOU are thinking too much! Don't think about getting to the finish line, just about how good it all feels. Ask your partner to help talk you through it by either talking a little dirty (if that works for you) or just by talking about staying in the moment and reminding you to stay focused on the feeling.

    You might also want to check out someTantric sex practices. It's just another way to help re-direct your mind.

    Good luck!

    Dori


    Dear Dori,

       My fiance and I want to get kinky but I don't know what to do and not knowing makes me feel awkward. I was wondering what I can do to make our sex life more exciting.

    Dear Reader,

       There are SO many ways to get kinky. Since you are wanting to try it together, I highly recommend checking out PleasureMeNow's DVD collection:

  • Uninhibited Sex for the Adventuresome
  • Sinclair Sex Instruction DVD Trio - Advanced Sexual Techniques for Couples
  • Wicked Indulgences

    Have fun and explore. Just have boundaries set that include a word and a sign (in case you can't talk at the time) to give your partner if you want things to stop. Trust and listening have to be a part of your exploration for it be truly successful.

    Dori


  • Dear Dori,

       Most days, my husband and I are too tired from working to have sex. We both rather sleep and rarely have time off together. When we do have time together, it's been so long since we had sex, we just end up falling into leisure time instead. Any suggestions??? Oh yeah, I'm liberal and he's very conservative minded. We've been married for 12 years.

    Dear Reader,

       In a marriage, it is very easy and common to fall into complacency and your connection and sex-life can greatly suffer. It does require work and effort on both parts to keep that part of your marriage alive and vital.

    I highly recommend setting side a time each week that is just for sex. It doesn't always have to be involved or intense . . . often times you'll only need 15 minutes.

    Have it preplanned and get to it before other things can come up and get in the way, especially the sofa sucking you in and not letting you back up or individual projects that will keep you apart.

    I would recommend checking out PleasureMeNow'svideo library. You should be able to find something that will work for both of you. Kama Sutra and Tantra are liberal yet not too liberal to exclude a conservative.

    Good luck!

    Dori


    Hello Dori,

       I want to ask you about my cock size. It is so small but I have never had any sex with a girl. Will it have an effect?

    Dear Reader,

       It depends on the girl. If you're really concerned, check theseCyberskin Transformers. You slip the product over the penis for added length and girth.

    Good luck!

    Dori


    Dear Dori,

       I hear that having anal sex can be dangerous, is that true?

    Dear Anal,

       Be careful down and around there. The walls of the anus are full of nerve endings and the walls can tear if you are too rough. I'm not saying not to experiment and play a little . . . just be smart about it and use caution. Everyone is different so experiment gently to see what works best for you and try different vibrators and dildos. See what does it for you!

    I also recommend using desensitizing products such asRear Entry Anal Desensitizing LubricantorAnal Lube.

    Enjoy!

    Dori


    Dear Dori,

       I have a partner who has a "e;huge member"e; but I can't enjoy it because it too long and he wants to put it in "e;all the way"e;. I want him to but its painful. Is there anything I can do to work on being able to take it in without being uncomfortable?

    Dear Reader,

       Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do. You were born with only so much room and if he's too big, he's too big. If he forces his way, he can really hurt you. The only thing that I can recommend is for you to keep your hand/s wrapped around the base of his penis so that he has a full sensation without him filling you up and hurting you.

    You may also want to try theNot Too Deep Donut Set. It will give him the sensation of full penetration without casuing you excessive discomfort.

    Be true to yourself. No one will take care of you as good as you can.

    Dori


    To see more fascinating sex questions that Dori has answered, check out theAsk Dori Archives.

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