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(WARNING: Jokes may be hazardous to your depression)
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CONVICT ESCAPES...
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Excuses You May Hear If You Catch Her Giving Oral To The Plumber
- He passed out, I'm giving him mouth-to-penis resuscitation.
- His plumbers helper broke.
- The sight of his butt crack just drove me wild.
- I slipped and fell on it.
- He offered us a discount if I helped him clean out the pipes.
- I was having an epileptic seizure, and he didn't want me to swallow my tongue.
- You told me not to blow any 'money' on a plumber.
- He asked me to help him uncoil his snake.
- He said he couldn't finish the job without "workmen's compensation."
- I was following the direction of that porn video you always want me to watch.
- He didn't want to fuck me without a rubber.
THE OFFICE PARTY
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
(WARNING: Jokes may be past their expiration date)
(WARNING: Funny objects are closer than they appear)
(WARNING: Keep jokes out of the reach of children)
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